We won't sleep together?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
