He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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