i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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