I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
