My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
