last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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