I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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