I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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