i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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