Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
