I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We named our party play list daddy issues
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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