Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he fucked my hip out of place.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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