She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize