i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
