What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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