when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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