someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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