You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
