How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
