I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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