I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize