Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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