you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
