dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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