Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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