Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
