Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
