So drunk its hurt
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
