I got chris browned last night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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