I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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