I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
