I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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