we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
