wanna go halves on a baby?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
