Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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