I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
