I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
