i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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