My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
