My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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