On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
