At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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