I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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