he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
