Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
