Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
