y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize