i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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