non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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