dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
