is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
