Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
