The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
