This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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