I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
