theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
