The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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