I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
