yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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